Daydreams and Nightmares

     My life has become a series of realities and fantasies, but I think of it as a series of Daydreams and Nightmares. I'll start with the daydreams. There are the same ones I would guess that everyone has had at some point or another:

1. A long lost relative dies peacefully in his sleep at the age of 112. He has lived a long and happy, yet frugal life. He has amassed a grand fortune and has bequeathed it to little ole me. I am saddened by his death, but will honor his wishes and take the money. It's only right. He wanted me to have it.  I use it to help many SSS victims.
2. Oprah invites me to sit in the audience for one of her shows. At the end, she does a big reveal and I am given a Brand. New. Car! (All taxes included, of course)
3. I buy a single lottery ticket on a whim with the change I have from the milk I just purchased. Later that night I find out that I am the sole winner of the $xxx million jackpot! I buy everyone everything, but especially my sister, who gets a brand new house filled with Spider-Man toys for my nephew!
4. A generous yet anonymous benefactor parks a car tied with a ribbon outside my house and leaves the key in the mailbox. No note, but the title is in my name.
5. I actually DO have a fairy godmother. She was just taking a long nap!
And finally...
6. I Really AM the descendant of that Nigerian Prince and all those emails that I have ignored over the last 10 years were true and I FINALLY get my rightful fortune. Ha! I just knew it!!
    OK, so I am aware that what I wrote above is pure fiction, with the exception of a 1 in 8 billion chance of hitting the lottery (if I actually played) none of the aforementioned scenarios have a remote chance of happening.
    What is happening however, is my living nightmare. The nightmare I like to call "Dealing with FEMA" or "Why Innocent People Are Still Living On The Street With No Walls, No Heat Or Electricity When They Own Their Own Homes". Let me explain.
      FEMA stands for Federal Emergency Management Agency. So right away, you know you are dealing with a bureaucracy rife with red tape,  hoops to jump through and double speak. Since the storm struck, there have been tons of rumors about what FEMA will or will not do. I did not expect a miracle from them. I did not expect charity nor did I expect to make money off of this situation. I did, foolishly, expect for the process to be straightforward and approachable for a person of average intelligence. (me)
     If you have never had to deal with FEMA, congratulations! I mean that. I honestly hope you never have to. But if you have, you may want to skip this next part. It will give you flashbacks.
     I will preface this by saying that this is MY take on things as I have come to understand them in the last month. If I get a fact wrong (which I most likely will), please forgive me. A I stated, it's not easy.
      You are struck by a disaster of some sort. You lose some sort of property, i.e.  home, car, personal belongings, and you need financial assistance from the government. Once your  area is officially declared a disaster area by the government, FEMA is able to step in start accepting claims.
       So, you call the FEMA hot line. A voice prompt answers the call. You have to listen to a 4 minute (I am not exaggerating) greeting, telling you which FEMA rumors are false. For example, FEMA does not give you $300 for food. That's a Facebook rumor.  Once you have listened to all 4 minutes, you are treated to the exact same message repeated en espanol. 8 minutes, gone.
         Once the greeting has ended, you listen to a long menu of  choices of where to direct your call. Once you choose your option, you have to input your zip code. My guess is this is done to confound those people who live outside the disaster area from filing a false claim. I could be wrong, but those scoundrels who flood their own houses and cars or ruin all their belongings just for the fun of dealing with FEMA MUST be stopped!
     Once you get to the correct place, lets say, filing a new claim, you get a lovely operator. My first operator was Vanessa. She was as patient and calm and as warm as a spring morning. I hated it! I was in turmoil. I needed someone to yell at. I could not yell at Vanessa. Darn it!
      Vanessa proceeded to take all of my information. She gave me a long list of things that I would need to gather for FEMA to prove I actually : a) owned the cars I was claiming, b) said cars were actually disabled permanently and  c) I was actually financially unable to replace them myself. Luckily, I have every piece of paper that I ever got (not really, but close) and I was able to gather those things up within a day.
      Then, Vanessa explained to me that FEMA (and this is an actual quote)  "won't just give me no money".  Double negative aside, I took that to mean that they aren't a charity nor do they hand out money willy-nilly. That's fine. I wasn't looking for charity or to get over on anyone, much less Uncle Sam.
     As Vanessa explained the process, FEMA takes your information and then waits for you to support your claim. They send you packets to fill out through snail mail. I kid you not when I say that you need advanced degrees to just navigate some of the paperwork. (The verbiage is verbose and pedantic).You have to send all types of documentation, and eventually a case worker will come out and see the damage for him or herself. Once that is done, you wait some more. Then the phone calls start. You get any combination of: an intake officer, an application reviewer, a damage assessor, a loan officer, a case worker, a grant officer, a claim reviewer (each who will call you either while at work and unable to take the call, or while you are eating and have to leave your one hot meal for the day) and finally, if you are lucky, a check of some sort.
     It was explained to me that FEMA has limited funds (obviously) and most people will not receive actual money from FEMA. Due to insurance coverage, the majority of homeowners will not see a red penny from the FEMA funds. Those who are not insured will only get money if they have exhausted all other avenues of revenue. One of those avenues is the SBA, Small Business Association, which is the lending arm of disaster relief.  (Please do not confuse them with SBA, Small Business Association, the lending arm for small business loans. They are different entities. Huh.) They underwrite very low cost loans. Which you have to pay back. If you qualify. Vanessa informed me that I DO NOT want to qualify. This way, I may qualify for a grant from FEMA. Or not. Whatever.
    Fast forward, when I received the paperwork on my initial FEMA claim, the information was wrong. Blatantly wrong. So wrong that I didn't think it was my claim. I called to change the info. The very nice person I spoke to told me that we should start from scratch, and she would refile the paperwork using my same claim number. So we did. Then I got the new paperwork. Guess what...
It was STILL wrong. But she read it all back to me on the phone, when it was correct. Sigh.
    27 days in and the nightmare continues...